Insecurities and Such

Yeah, it's a fact. On occasion, I'm a very insecure person.

Oh, I hide it well. Most of the time I can come across as an overly verbose, sarcastic, life of the party know it all. The kind of gal that you love or you hate.... or you kinda like initially but then I really grow to annoy you.

Lately I've been spending a fair amount of time in self examination (because the unexamined life is not worth living) and attempting, once and for all, to get to the root of my problem. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I was distracted by my actual roots (almost entirely gray now), which led me to be distracted by my crow's feet, which made me think I'm getting old and the pretty is fading exponentially.... so on and so on and so on.

So, self examination didn't work.

It occurred to me that maybe if I dug out some old photos and videos, saw myself on film and watched myself on camera, I might be able to see a glimmer of what those in my life who love me glimpse on occasion.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

It doesn't work. Unless you are Angelina Jolie, you will look at the video and the pictures and it will suddenly occur to you that you are not half as hot as you think you are. What is it David Bowie said? "I'm much too fast to take that test". I don't know how Britney Spears doesn't watch herself in videos and laugh hysterically. After seeing myself in old home movies I was very thankful that no one has filmed me when I'm vacumming the house in my underwear, lip synching "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Shudder. Extreme shudder.

Now I've discovered that the more I think about my insecurities, the more insecure I become. I worry about saying the wrong thing, laughing too loudly, coming across as bitchy and mouthy, the ever expanding size of my ass.... you name it, I'm getting all obsessive compulsive about it.

At some point in all of this lightning struck me. And it jolted me into the reality of my world.

My kids love me. In fact, if you ask my kids, they'll tell you they've got the coolest mom in the world. And they'll tell you this even after I've grounded them, or taken away whatever electronic device I've pried from their cold, x-box curled fingers. I'm not the coolest mom in the world, but if they think so I am more than willing to go with it.

My friends love me. They will call me and ask me for advice. They will invite me out for drinks. They laugh whole heartedly at my lame ass one liners. they ask me to cook asparagus at their dinner parties because they like my asparagus. They introduce me to their significant others. My friends think I'm A-OK.

My husband loves me. He loves that I can smack him down when he deserves it. He loves that I give him a run for his money when we play Name That Tune. He loves that we do the Saturday crossword together and I always have the pop culture answers. He loves my cooking.

My kids, my friends, my family.... not a one of them has ever said to me "Kikki, you're a great gal but you should really do something about that orange peel that's showing up on your thighs".

Is it possible, then, that all of my insecurties are for naught? Is it possible that my obsession with the size of my thighs, the lines on my face, the cut of my clothes is nothing more than a big waste of time and nothing more than my own way of slapping myself down?

Hmmmm.... something to ponder.

I still don't have the answer to this question. And I still feel insecure from time to time. But I am putting the question out there in the hopes that if you read this, you'll think about it yourself for a while. And maybe the next time you are putting yourself down for something, you'll be struck by lightning and take a moment to lift yourself up.

And realize that you are loved.

Kate Minus Jon

Kate and Jon made Jane Velez Mitchell "Issues" on CNN today. In my humble opinion, Jane Velez whatserface has issues if she thinks this is something CNN should be reporting on. But what the hell, Jane... gotta beat Harvey and his TMZ ratings, right? Egad. I am shaking my head at Jane simply because I thought she had more on the ball than this. Now she's gone all Nancy Grace on me. I swear to Wolf Blitzer, if Anderson starts reporting on Jon and Kate.... well......I'll be forced to watch local news.

Jon and Kate have been on my regular viewing schedule for a couple of years now, along with a few other TLC (The Learning Channel) programs, including What Not to Wear, Little People Big World and Moving Up (Doug Wilson drives me willllllld...grrrrr). I enjoy TLC... I like to think of it as Reality TV Soft.... sort of like Red Shoe Diaries - programming for people who want erotica without the.... ummmmh...... Ewwww Factor. Friendly, happily ever after reality TV. But I digress.

From the onset of Jon and Kate Plus 8, the viewing public knew a few solid, undisputable facts about this family:

1. They have 8 kids, one set of twins, Maddy and Cara, and a set of sextuplets that amounts to three girls and three boys. I'd give you their names (yes, I know them all), but it makes no difference to what I'm about to say and you would only get confused.

2. Jon is a very laid back, easy going, take it as it comes, take instruction from the wife kind of guy.

3. Kate is an A-type personality, and that is why they survive having 8 kids.

4. Kate can feed the family on less that $150.00 per week (my husband points this out to me everytime we watch the show) and for that alone she deserves the Wayne's World Bow of Homage.

5. Maddy is a brat. Seriously. If that were my child, she would be on a time out on Mars. Still, I'm quite certain that with Kate as a mother, Maddy isn't getting away with much off camera.

6. On occasion, Kate is rather harsh with Jon. Okay. Let's face it. She can be a total bitch in a stressed out moment. She slaps him (lightly, usually on the arm), she berates him. She yells at him in public places. She interrupts him during their 'interview' on the couch, but then she really goes off on him when he interrupts her.

Jon and Kate and their brood of 8 seemed to be the happy, perfect, Christian family at the begining of last season. We were invited to the renewal of their vows in Hawaii, complete with Kate stopping mid ceremony to tell the children to sit down. We saw them, at long last, move into a home with enough space to house their expansive brood along with the pair of German Shepherds they added to the family. We saw Kate move from being a stay at home mom to more of a dynamic, professional woman in the home. We saw them grow. To the casual viewer, it was all familial Nirvana, but to those of us who had been watching for years, a storm was brewing. We saw it in their final interview at the end of the season.

We, the devoted followers, saw Jon's pre mid life crisis boiling on the slopes when he got on his snowboard. Oh yes, we saw it. We may have even sensed it before Kate did. And we knew Jon was up to no good when he sat beside Kate on that season finale.

To those who hadn't been watching the show on a regular basis, the scandal came from out of the blue, in the spring of this year. US Magazine decided it was time to bring the happy couple down. Suddenly Brad, Angelina and Jen were replaced on every cover at the supermarket checkout by this rather common couple and their somewhat uncommon life. Jon and Kate became tabloid fodder. They were no longer parents of twins and sextuplets. They were no longer a young married couple with 8 kids, two dogs and a reality TV show. Why?

Because Jon finally got busted. Period. Jon got busted.

After countless rumors over the course of several months, a pap(arrazi) finally got the goods on Jon Gosselin. Early morning hours, sports car, much younger woman, witnesses to back it up, photographic evidence.

Jon Gosselin was BUSTED.

But who was it that suffered the most for Jon's indescretions?

Kate Gosselin.

Somehow, in the patriarchal controlled media that is force fed to us on an hourly basis, Jon's actions over the past 6 (or more than that) months is all A-OK because of those few clips of Kate losing her patience with her man-child husband. It's okay that Jon was partying in pubs with much younger women while Kate was travelling for work. It's okay that Jon was spotted getting into his expensive Nissan sports car with a woman more than 10 years younger than him (and SHE was driving the car) at ungodly hours of the morning while a Nanny was taking care of their children because Kate was out of town working. That is all A-OK, because Kate is 'bossy'. And then what does the man managed media do? They try to convince us that it's okay that Jon is hanging out with barely legal women because Kate is having an affair with her bodyguard.

I'm going to get really rude right now... and I hope you'll understand that it is out of rage.

ARE YOU (deleted) KIDDING ME?

That's right. Invent a sin on Kate's part so that Jon is the victim. ARGHHHHH!

In fact, it's even okay that Jon whines and complains about the show, about being 'Jon' of TLC instead of just Jon Gosselin, ordinary shmuck, but no one breathes a bloody word when he pulls up to his sextuplets 5th birthday party in a $60,000.00 sports car that seats TWO (how many of the kids is he fitting in THAT beauty?) or when he hasn't been around to help with any part of the birthday party for his own children. No one says a thing when one of his daughters throws her arms around his neck and he says 'did you miss me?' And no one criticizes when that same child says 'Daddy, I don't ever want you to go away again' but it is one of the rare times when TLC doesn't put a subtitle on the screen so that we understand what the child is saying.

Jon's response? "Yeah. Go play."

Really, Jon? Seriously? You mean it WASN'T your reality show that paid for that ride? He isn't whining about his designer clothes, or the attention from women that would never look at him twice if it were not for the show that he hates (because "Yeah, I've got 8 kids and a wife that doesn't understand me" is a great pick up line in a bar). He isn't whining about the trip to Hawaii, or the ski trip they all took last year. He isn't whining about the huge home they now live in. No. He isn't whining about the money. What Jon Gosselin is really whining about is this:

Anyone who has watched this show from the begining knows that Kate gave up her career as a Registered Nurse (capitalized because I believe the profession deserves respect) to stay at home with the children. And, if you have watched the show before the 'scandal season' (there are many of us who watched this show before US magazine decided to throw Jon on the cover) you also know that Kate is extremely organized (her coupon pouch - that is why she could feed the family on nothing), has an unquestionable work ethic (she actually schedules days where she does nothing but make soup and throw it in the freezer for future meals) and is extremely, unquestionably, undeniably protective of her children.

Kate is the penultimate Mama Bear. And if you poke the bear, you will feel Mama Kate's wrath.

Somewhere in the last couple of seasons, Kate Gosselin became the star of this show. Not Jon. Not the kids. Kate. Because women watch this show and women love Kate.

We love Kate because we have all snapped at our husbands and we snap at them because, as much as we love our husbands, sometimes they are damn idiots.

We love Kate because she makes soup. And she actually seems excited to make soup.

We love Kate because she does not console toddlers when they are whining for no reason, but she also doesn't lose her cool when they are whining for no reason.

We love Kate because when 8 children are puking all around her, she puts on a medical mask, picks up puky blankets and washes them.

We love Kate because sometimes she looks like crap. On TV. And she doesn't care.

We love Kate because she let us see her pre op belly. She shared her plastic surgery with us.

We love Kate because she wanted her breasts fixed and when the doc said 'get a better bra instead', she did. And she didn't get her boobs done.

And we love Kate because we all know that a marriage doesn't happen on a 30 minute, soft core reality show anymore than it happens at your family reunion, or a family dinner at your mother in law's house, or the office Christmas party that you attend with your spouse. Every woman that watches this show knows that every now and then your husband pisses you off to the point that you are waiting for him to go to sleep so you can smother him with his organic pillow.

We love Kate.

And THAT is what Jon doesn't like.

Oh, it was all fine and Jonny when he was Mr. Signing The Autographs Our Fans Are The Greatest. It was all rainbows and butterflies when Kate was at home with the kids 24/7, organizing, wiping poopy bums, cleaning up the barf fest during flu season, shopping for sustinence with her coupon pouch....but....

When Kate became the force behind the family, when Kate's drive, ambition, organizational skills and personality translated into a career, when Jon was suddenly at home with the kids....

it all went wrong.

On Monday night I watched the season premiere of Jon and Kate plus 8. And yes, I wept. I wept because I saw this strong, dynamic, powerful woman.... this force to be reckoned with, ask for a tissue. This woman that gave birth to 8 children, 6 of them AT ONCE. This woman that fed her family on peanuts for too damn long. This woman that is a firehouse of passion. This amazing mother, wife, entrepeneur, woman.

She wept. And I wept for her.

I wept not only because she wept, I wept because she has discovered what many other women in our society have discovered.

If you are strong woman, a vibrant woman, a woman who owns her own, 'they' will find a way to bring you down.

Now, CNN chooses to discuss the exploitation of her children. Of course, Jane and Nancy and Mr. Larry King were none too concerned about this when Jon and Kate plus 8 was a low rated TLC show. In fact, Mr. King had Kate on his show as an 'authority' to discuss the challenges facing Octomom only a few brief weeks ago.

Suddenly, in the wake of Jon's insanity, the children are being 'exploited'.

People, keep this in mind. Jon and Kate are red hot right now, and the media will say anything they can to grab ratings. Including accusing them of abusive, exploitive behavior and stating, with their lame, TV experts that the show should be halted to protect the children.

I went through a divorce. Didn't quit my job because I knew I needed it to feed my kids.

This is Kate's job. This is how she feeds her kids.

I have a better idea. Stop buying magazines with Jon and Kate on the cover. Email Jane Valez Whaserface and tell her to give us some real news.

And if you are really concerned about those 8 beautiful children, email Kate Gosselin and tell her that you get it.

Today, at my local Safeway, Jon and Kate were on almost every cover at the checkout. While standing in line I took the opportunity to pick up the first magazine in every rack and turn it backwards.

Kate, that was for you, sista.

That Twitter Thing Again

–verb (used without object)
1.
to utter a succession of small, tremulous sounds, as a bird.
2.
to talk lightly and rapidly, esp. of trivial matters; chatter.
3.
to titter; giggle.
4.
to tremble with excitement or the like; be in a flutter.


And THAT, my friends, is all I need to say about THAT.

Before you ask me why I don't Twitter, please refer to the above.

And Grandma said "what are you twittering about now?'

Twit. Stupid twit. Twittering idiot.

Just wanted to give you something to think about before I expand on the above. So, contemplate it for a bit. And I'll be back before too long, with my own thoughts about the word 'twit' amalgamated into some sort of cohesive content.

And we'll discuss.